Daniel…I hope you now see how deeply you are loved. We are missing that laugh, the silliness…the comfort of feeling safe when you are near. Part of me died with you that day.. I am so lost without you. Guide me. Protect the kids…. We are not mad.. Thank you for loving me unconditionally. You were right…incomparable…. Visit me. Guide me and protect our babies. I love you always.. I wish I could have done more for you. I am sorry you could never see how many people loved you. I am sorry for not showing it in the beginning when it first started… when you told me the last time we talked is when you needed to be loved the most.
It has been almost 6 months and I cry for you every single day. I just want to tell you sorry. I want to tell you I love you just one more time. I want to kiss you one more time. I am so alone and no one understands.
I was told last month its been 5 months I need to move on. Everyone judges addicts but it can happen to anyone, so I acknowledge it could be me. I have to be honest with you, you have always been honest with me…. I once asked you why…why you do it.
How does it make you feel. You said you are always sad you miss your kids they will never forgive you … That the pain is such an immense feeling so overwhelming that you just get to the point that you are willing to do anything to get that relief. It numbs it. When you use the needle you literally lay back and feel that pain slipping away, as you go numb. But then that needle, that yes brings a type of relief to you, also takes a hold on you.
Once it has that hold on you it is so strong so tight its suffocating. It takes hold of your mind and body. You told me to never even try it, not even ONCE. Its not worth it because it numbs the pain only for a little while…. So for you, I can never go down that road.
P Caroline I pray that you are with the angels now. Time graciously stands still and you are here with me. CBC Radio. You are an expert in this topic! I've gott some recommendations for your blog you might be interested in hearing. It's a mixture of mostly existing scenes, and some new scenes. I will make sure to bookmark it and return to read more of your useful information.
But it is so hard…. Man dealing with this pain just as I am right now especially when no one gets me. Just Like no one understood you, is THE hardest thing I have ever had to go through in my entire life. My mother abandoned me and the rest of her children when I was 6. I would so much rather go through that pain a million times over then have this darkness.. This pain, this sadness, emptiness, that I have carried with me everyday since March 27 I carry the darkness and walk in this darkness alone and its scary.
Its fucking scary. I say that day out loud everyday for some reason. But I try my damn hardest to stay strong because you are my big sister and you told me to. I will never try it because you told me not to. Not because I am stronger than you because I am not. Its because I promised you. Especially for my kids it brings me such pain to even imagine inflicting this type of pain on them. I could never do that to them. I would gladly walk in darkness and hide this pain than ever hurt them in that way.
Never mind my babies. I never want them to ever have to feel this pain. But Ashley its hard. I really thought I could save you. I am a failure. I have failed you and for that I will never forgive myself. You are the most beautiful person I have ever seen. I always said that even when you were alive. I was always in such awe of your beauty.
I wish that beauty was still on this earth. But i will hold it in my heart.
Every single day for the rest of my life…until I am no longer on this earth. I will never move on. Why should I be granted such a privilege when you are not here to do the same. I do not deserve that.
Done better. I thank God every day you had my nieces man, they make my heart start beating again times I feel it slowing down…. If ever a mother loved her kids it was you. We are not perfect none of us are. I will never allow anyone to think otherwise of you. Out of all of us you endured the most.
niebalgacom.ga But you always had so much love in your heart. For a person that always said she did not feel loved, to me is such an admirable quality you had. You were always kissing everyone and pinching our cheeks and saying we are so cute. Your children will know of your love. That is my promise to you. I love you. It hurts knowing you will never read any of these words….
No matter how much I cry. We got your autopsy report Friday, we read it today as a family.
The Medical Examiner said you overdosed on cocaine and fentanyl. Did you know what you were taking? Did you suffer? Is there more to the story? Or was it the night before? I think about you every single day. I wish I could have been a better sister, I wish I could have helped you. I wish I would have understood addiction, I always thought you were choosing that lifestyle.
I was so mad at you for so long. You would never listen to me, there were 4 seperate times I tried to talk to you. I know you wanted help, I read your planner. You could still be here. I hate drugs, I promise you I will always be honest with her and teach her about addicition. I will spend the rest of my life trying to fix this broken system and helping other people that continue to struggle with the disease that killed you.
You taught me that. I love you forever and I hope that you send me signs and I see you in my dreams until we meet again. In remembrance of my only two 2 children, Robert Robbie Allen Sirois thru and Christopher Chris Elliott Sirois thru I loved them both so very much and miss them every day. Heroin is the drug that took their lives, and they left this world far to early. I love you Robbie and Chris to the moon and back.
May you rest in peace. You were an amazing person, with a light that shone wherever you went.